"I Can't Dad"

A few years ago we took the family on a backpacking adventure. Little did I know that an experience at the end of

the trip with my 9 yr old daughter would, years later, teach me a profound lesson about the love that my Savior has for me. 

I think it was a little too much too soon for Ella, because she no longer wants to backpack with her mom, brother and I. We had planned a two night, three day backpacking trip to one of my favorite places in southern Utah. My good friend, his family, as well as my sister in law and her husband were planning to make the trip. 

When I was in college I took a class called Literature of the Outdoors. At the end of the semester I was able to go

along with a small group of classmates and my instructor on a two night backpacking trip to Coyote Gulch.

It was a life changing experience.

I have always loved nature and spending time outdoors but this trip was different. We walked for miles in the bottom of a

narrow canyon with towering red rock walls on both sides. There were a number of waterfalls, arches and other

awesome red rock features.

There were times that my breath was literally taken away by the majesty of it all. I was anxious to return and was

able to one time before with my family when Shara was pregnant with Burton. 

The days finally arrived to take my kids and we headed down into the canyon. It was a fantastic few days spent with family and friends. It was awesome to share this place with my kids. The final day of the adventure, we planned to scramble out of the canyon near Jacob Hamblin arch. The problem that struck us as we looked at our scramble out of the canyon was that this “scramble” was very steep. My college self looked at the world differently than the father of two did. It was steep enough on this face that there was a rope fixed to some rocks near the top that people could use to climb out. My wife was worried, my daughter was scared, my son was unfazed. 

My wife was worried and thought that this was a bad idea and so we discussed options. Option one: walk 6 miles downstream, climb a quarter mile sand hill, from hell, that we used last time we came as a family. That sounded awful.  Option two: walk up and out the wash at least six miles on an unknown trail. Option three: we make it up the scramble. We chose the scramble. I went up first and carried my daughters pack with me. I returned down and took my wife's pack up to the top. My son, who was 13, crawled right up with his pack no problem. He loved to climb and to be outside adventuring. Next up was Ella, who at the time was 9 yrs old. By this time she was crying and did not want to do it. I spent time talking with her reassuring her that she could do it and that I would help her. She kept saying, “I can’t dad, I don’t want to do it”. I told her “You can do this Ella. I am right here. I won’t let you fall or get hurt. I got you.” We started the climb. She grabbed the rope and started up on all fours with a death grip on the rope. I was there right behind her telling her she was doing great, “you can do this, you are doing great.”

The tears continued to flow, the “I can’t dad" continued to come, but we slowly kept making our way up the rock. Slowly, but surely, we made it up and passed the steep part of our climb. I was so proud of her, and the love that I felt for her during the climb as I was right behind her, knowing she could do it, was so strong. She did so great! About three years later I found myself dealing with some personal trials that had me feeling like I was stuck in a deep, dark canyon without knowing how or if I could climb out. 

One day while feeling particularly frustrated and hopeless, I was thinking and praying and realizing what I would have to do and

go through to get out, I found myself saying, “I can’t Father, I don’t want to Father, It's too hard”. 

I was blessed with an insight or answer to my prayers or a little tender mercy. I felt the Lord saying to me

“you know how much love you felt for your daughter as you helped her climb out of the canyon? I love you

just like that and more, and I am right here with you. You can do this. I am right here behind you.” 

I know He is there with me and with all of us through good times and bad. He meets us wherever we are and is ready to help. If we are on his path or off, He meets us where we are and helps us back.

-Josh